Dating Advice

The Dating Scene – Signs of a Promising Relationship

dating_advice_0Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn’t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn’t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail.

In Celine’s last relationship, she had been pulled in by Gary’s ardent pursuit of her. She had wanted to go slower but didn’t listen to herself. Instead, she gave herself up to Gary’s attention and compliments.

“Celine, my experience with men who come on strong right away is that they are often controlling and needy. Is that what happened with Gary?”

“Yes. He seemed so loving and open at the beginning, but once we were in a committed relationship, he started to pull on me for time and attention. He became critical and angry and petulant when I didn’t give him what he wanted. How could I have known all this at the beginning? What should I look for now that I’m dating again?”

Celine had gone on one date with a man named Mark. After this first date, Mark emailed her, saying that he wanted to spend a lot of time with her and go on a trip with her.

“Shades of Gary,” she said. “This is a red flag, right?”

Celine and I explored some of the red flags as well as some of the signs of a promising relationship.


• Comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship.

• Becomes angry, critical or withdrawn if you say no.

• Becomes logical and tries to talk you out of your feelings or your experience. Tries to make you feel that you are wrong for your feelings or your position.

• Talks on and on about himself or herself and doesn’t ask you much about you, or is uninterested when you do talk about yourself.

• An older man or woman who has never been married and has been in a series of broken relationships.

• Numerous broken marriages.

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• Has an abusive background and has not had therapy.

• Has abandoned his or her children.

• Not open to learning from relationship conflict.

• Participates in addictions that are unacceptable to you – smoking, drinking, drugs, addictive eating, gambling, TV, and so on.

• Financially irresponsible.

• Not truthful.

• Has few friends.

• Judgmental of self and others. Talks about self and others in disparaging ways.

• Is possessive and jealous. Gets upset when you do your own thing.

• Totally different views from yours regarding religion and/or spirituality.

• Few interests and hobbies.

Celine and I discussed the fact that you get what you see.

“It’s not that people can’t change,” I told her, “but you can’t change them. If he is not okay with you the way he is right now, then don’t pursue the relationship. If you are an on time person and heis always late, don’t expect this to change. If it’s not okay, then don’t pursue the relationship. Same thing with weight, being neat or messy, being a free spender or being frugal. These issues can become huge problems in relationships because people expect them to change and get very upset when they don’t.”


• Shows respect for your feelings and needs, even when they are different from his or her feelings and needs.

• Is able to be empathic and compassionate.

• Is interested in what you have to say and in learning about you.

• Is accepting of self and others – non-judgmental.

• Is open to exploring conflict and differences of opinion.

• Does what he or she says he or she will do.

• Cares about being responsible for children from a broken marriage – has not abandoned his or her children.

• Takes responsibility for his or her own feelings, health and well bring. Does not make you responsible for his or her feelings.

• Is financially responsible. Does not expect you to take care of him or her financially.

• If divorced, takes responsibility for his or her part of the difficulties.

• A person who was in a loving relationship and lost their mate to death. People who have been in loving relationships generally know how to have loving relationships.

• Has friends that you like.

• Talks about others in caring and supportive ways.

• Has interests and hobbies that are fulfilling to him or her.

• Similar religious or spiritual path to yours.

• Is supportive of you doing what brings you joy. Feels joy for your joy and pain for your pain.

• Can laugh at mistakes. Has a good sense of humor.

• Has balance between work and play. Knows how to work hard and how to have fun.

Before you can find the “right” person, you need to become the right person. Doing your own inner work so that you can fit the descriptions above for a promising relationship is the first step in finding a loving relationship.

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    Single Dating Places United Kingdom

Dating/relationships & Independence: Women Over 40 Keeping Life In Balance

 Life CoachingHow do you find the balance between your own independent life and being in a relationship? For some women this is about facing your worst fear that you will somehow lose yourself along the way. You can find out how to make sure that you don’t give up on yourself whilst being in a relationship. Five surefire ways of keeping you independent and happy whilst dating and finding a relationship that is the right balance for you.

Women wanting a relationship

At least 50% of the women over 40 whom I coach say at some point, rather defensively, “I want to do this coaching work with you but I don’t really know whether I want to be in a relationship”. They are defensive because they think that everyone is expected to want to be with a partner. That is how the world appears, especially when we are single. Interestingly this is not the whole of the story. When I dig a little deeper what usually comes up is that for many women their worst fear is that they don’t want to lose their independence. You have all worked hard to gain your independent place, especially those in their 40s, 50s & 60s. This of course is not only in relationships but also in the world of work. For many women when they have got used to being single they are, on many levels, very happy with their lives. “I like being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, without having to ask anyone else’s permission.” said Emily a divorced women in her 50s. “I spent so many years being at the beck and call not only of my husband but also my children, they are grown up and it is now time for me”. We can all sympathise with her.

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Women want independence & relationships

In fact, many women come to me to find out is whether they can find the kind of relationship that they want whilst still retaining their independence. Like everything in life it is about balance. Relationship coaching does not mean that we don’t look at the whole picture of your life. No relationship will work if you are not in balance with yourself. Now you may have got very used to ‘doing your own thing’ but there remains a niggling doubt. That little voice is saying “Why can’t I have all this and have a relationship too”. Well the answer is that it is possible and I help women achieve that. It is especially important that you first become clear about what you want to retain about your independence and what you are looking for in a relationship.

What must be in place for a relationship to work?

sex-RelationshipsWhat you must become clear about is what elements of your independent life you want to retain. Think about what are the ‘must haves’. These may be things like time, certain kinds of space and a certain amount of time to spend with friends and family. You get the idea. Once you are completely clear what these are you start to have a blueprint for the life you want to have with someone else. Equally make a list of what it is that you want from the relationship. Remember these days there are all kinds of relationship arrangements – they are not all live-in married partnerships.

How to keep your relationship boundaries intact

What is most important is that you are conscious about your boundaries in a relationship. Getting the balance right can be difficult, but if you have articulated for yourself your own ‘must haves’ you will be in a much stronger place. This might sound very contrived but think about it. When you go out to buy some new piece of kitchen equipment you will have spent some time thinking about what functions you want it to have. There are100s of different kinds of washing machine out there but if you have your ‘must haves’ clearly listed then it is going to make the process much easier. I know this sounds like finding a relationship is like going shopping. Well it is in a way, and don’t we all love shopping? Remember this is about you being The Chooser, that is one of the ways that you retain your independence and don’t get swept away in the moment.

1. Make your ‘must haves’ list for your independent life
2. Make a list of your requirements in a partner
3. Remain The Chooser when dating and finding a relationship
4. Stick to your lists – share them with a friend and get them to remind you if you start to slip
5. Learn to say ‘no’ early in the relationship if things don’t fit – they won’t change just because you hope they will!

  • Single Dating Places United Kingdom
    Single Dating Places United Kingdom

Dating Advice: Indecisive To Focused In 5 Steps


20160603173131-businesswoman-working-desk-workplaceYou are a single woman who is frustrated because your life and relationships are humdrum and mundane. Time to make some changes. What are you really passionate about? What makes your heart sing? Are you waiting for a relationship to make your life begin? It’s time to step out of your comfort zone and begin to live a life that has energy and momentum.

Step 1 – Move out of Indecisive

As a single coach many of the women I speak to are indecisive about their lives and particularly about relationships. They seem to be in a rut and don’t know how to find the time, energy or focus to have it be different.

Ask yourself the question; is my life as I would like it to be? Do I have a picture of how I want my life to look in a year, 2 years, 5 years? I suggest that if you want you life to be different you first have to start with your own vision. Part of this vision will probably include a relationships. So Step 1 is to build your vision, give yourself time and space to do this – get yourself a notebook, look at all areas of your life, including relationships, and write down how you would life to look.

Step 2 – Moving from trying to doing

Part of the problem for single women is that you do not know how to make the changes in your attitudes and actions. Quite a lot of the time I hear women say that they will ‘try’ to do something. Have you ever just tried to pick up a cup? Just trying ends in failure because you will not complete the action.

So now you have a vision how are you going to make this happen? How are you going to convert trying into doing? Step 2 is about learning not just to dip your toe in the water but to make the first step. Look at the work you have done on your vision and ask yourself what is the one thing I can do today which will move me towards that vision? This action will often be very small but it is a step taken and achieved.

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Step – 3 Change

happy-woman-fotolia_12331389_subscription_xxl-1050x700Change is not half-hearted, it has energy and dynamism. It is about having a headline for your life that says “I know where I am heading and I am walking in that direction”. So in Step 2 I talked about taking the first steps. Although these may be small at first the aim is for you to get your life in motion and find more energy for yourself.

Step 3 is about how to find that energy. If you want to achieve lasting change in your life you are going to have to feel successful in the steps you are taking. What are you really passionate about that you are not doing now? What makes your heart sing? I suggest you concentrate on those areas of life that will bring you the biggest gains first. That means don’t necessarily look at the relationship part first, look at those parts that you can achieve on your own.

Step 4 – Commitment to yourself first

Guess what, you need to fix your life first and a relationship that you desire will follow. This sounds like a tall order but I can assure you it works like that. Your first commitment is to yourself and getting all the pieces of your life in order so that you can have the future that you desire.

How can you keep that commitment? Step 4 is you putting your agenda at the top of your list of priorities. This is not about being selfish but about being self-focused and self-disciplined. Take the situation when you have promised yourself that you will do a particular task that will move you towards your vision. A friend phones, she is lonely and would like to meet for a drink. It is easy for you to give up on your task after all you want to be a good friend but it is more important to remind yourself about your priorities. After all you can meet her tomorrow night. So don’t put off those things that move you further down your path.

Step 5 – Making a plan and sticking to it.

It is so easy to let life get in the way and find yourself back where you were. Therefore the most important part is having a plan for your life and for relationships that will keep you focused on moving forward.

My suggestion is that Step 5 is for you draw up a plan. It will have different areas for the different parts of your life. Then ask yourself what can I do this week, this month, this 6 months to move forward? Now it is time to make appointments with yourself, but your tasks in your diary. Be kind to yourself and don’t make them too big or too many just slow and steady. See yourself being successful in ticking them off week by week.

  • Single Dating Places United Kingdom
    Single Dating Places United Kingdom



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